Does my spouse have to be my "best friend"?

I love officiating weddings. It's something that brings joy to my life.. an outlet for my creativity and a wonderful way to meet new people. I also love meeting people from varied backgrounds, cultures and value systems. That being said, I have come to learn that the term "best friend" has different meanings to each of us; an important distinction to some, an afterthought to others.

When I am creating a ceremony for a couple, I cannot make assumptions. Meeting with the couple and exploring their relationship together is imperative if I want their wedding to reflect who they are, not just what I see. Which brings me back to the term 'best friends'. If the couple is holding hands, gazing into each other's eyes, finishing each other's sentences.. I see best friends. But to some couples, this terminology is diminishing or elementary..just not refined or mature enough for them. "Don't use that term" demanded one couple, "we're more than friends". Another couple said, "we're not in high school anymore, please say that we're 'soulmates'."


I used to write vows including the terms 'soulmate', 'life partner' and 'best friend' quite frequently. I now ask each couple, outright, how they would categorize their partner. One bride said to me, "he is my touch stone, my buddy, my lover but not my best friend. My sister is my best friend."
Hmmm interesting. One very passionate groom expressed emphatically, "she is my best friend, but so is my mother". YOUCH
(the bride didn't like this very much!) I am a die hard romantic. I can't help it..I think that seeing your fiance as your best friend is the ultimate compliment.. a gift actually.


One would think being a romantic is a good thing, given my profession. Shouldn't the person who's uniting you in marriage love walks on the beach, romantic sunsets and red roses? Well, yes and no. The point being, your wedding is about YOU and your needs and beliefs..not mine. Of course I can't help but bring my own set of values to the table, but I must make a great effort to open my mind and my heart to what each couple shares about themselves.

This brings me to the big question... lovers, partners in life, spouses, and "best' friends.. are these terms interchangeable? I've learned that it depends on the couple. I used to think that using the term "best friend" in each ceremony was a given, but not so. The term 'friend' is defined quite variably. I personally believe a friend is far more than an acquaintance.
Someone you can count on, someone that loves you warts and all. But some people can meet a stranger in an elevator, have a brief conversation with them and have decidedly called them a 'friend'.

I will always listen and guide each couple towards the ceremony of their dreams. Soulmates, friends or 'best friends'.. they will be sharing their lives together and know each other best.

Why get married?

Oh my, what a loaded question! I ask this to my couples frequently.. in simple form..."why do you want to get married?" Invariably the bride replies with, "that's a good question" while the groom stares off into space. I snap my fingers and bring him back to the conversation. "This is not a trick question!" I quip. Silent pause. Bride's nails are clicking on the table while the groom's eyes start to glaze over..
"Do I HAVE to answer this?" asks the groom; the bride is now on a roll.. here it comes...

"Well, that's simple!" , the bride will say, "because we love each other, riiiiigggghhhhtt hooonneeeyyyy?" The groom smiles, pats her lap, says something under his breathe and amiably agrees.

Now it's my turn to speak again, but I'm not joking around anymore. I am the vendor they had a hard time finding. I am the person to whom they will look for answers, to write their vows and possibly counsel now or in their future. I am their officiant. The person they hired to marry them, and the wedding's not far off. So I ask the question again, but softly as I maintain eye contact with the bride. She realizes I am asking this question quite purposefully and quietly says, "I want to commit my life to this man in front of all the people I love and who love me".
Whew. A sigh of relief sweeps over me as I turn towards the groom. He's on cup of coffee number four and feeling every bit of it. "Well, I feel the same way. Except I think we need to do this so we can get insurance", he says.

I gulp and smile as I reach my hand out and gently place it over his. I remind him that he's not under oath; but I need more from him. He senses the pressure, but thoughtfully responds. "You know, I never really wanted to get married until I met her. I mean, really, she inspires me and I had a gut feeling that she was THE ONE, for me, forever". Whew again. There we were , sitting in the diner and they both just wrote their first vows to each other. From the heart, with thought and purpose. YAY! I've done my job today.

I can't wait to officiate their wedding.